WASHINGTON, D.C.—In his address to the nation yesterday, President Joe Biden said if everyone is very good this year, he'll allow Americans to have some limited freedoms on July 4.
"If you are all good boys and girls, we can have a few freedoms back on the fourth of July," he said. "It'll be a nice treat for doing such a good job listening. Who's a good boy? You are, Americans!"
Some of the freedoms Biden says Americans will be granted will include the following:
Gathering in small groups of 1-3
Enjoying barbecued food as long as it's covered in hand sanitizer
Shouting "Freedom!" as long as you shout quieter than you speak and everyone is wearing masks
Launching government-approved fireworks that don't spread too much celebration and freedom
Waving flags as long as they aren't the American flag
Americans say they are very excited by the prospect of maybe being able to celebrate some limited freedoms this year as long as they are on their best behavior. "Thanks, government!" said one man in New York. "I'm going to do my best to follow the rules so that maybe the government will let me have some very limited liberties this year!"
"That's what Independence Day is all about!"
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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