So, you've just been laid off as a journalist. Sad. Not good! But you need to buck up, because there are a lot of great career choices for you that can leverage your unique skills as a reporter and a destroyer of people's lives.
Try your hand at one of these seven trades, and you're sure to land on your feet in no time:
1. A programmer. We're absolutely not telling you to learn to code, because that would be hate speech. But we might be suggesting you acquire the skills and knowledge necessary to develop and program software for computers and other electronic devices. MAYBE.
2. Learn to build solar panels. Sucks that your job got cut. But look at it as a positive: you can just pivot to building solar panels. Always gotta look on the bright side.
3. Official spokesperson for the Chinese government. You've got lots of experience in this already! China is probably hiring.
4. An essential worker. Do something actually essential for society, like driving for UberEats or DoorDash. You'll contribute a lot more to society than ever before!
5. Just cut out the middle man and go mob people in their homes directly. You have a lot of experience doxxing people in hopes of riling up a mob to take them down. Why not get your hands dirty and just go attack people in their homes yourself? Cut out the middle man!
6. Take a gap year and search through old tweets for old time's sake. You don't need to jump right into a new career. Take your severance pay and spend a year looking for bad tweets people posted a decade ago just for old time's sake.
7. Try your hand at writing hilarious satire. Your pieces in HuffPo already read like satire -- why not just keep writing the exact same kind of pieces but label them as satire? As a parody of terrible woke journalism, it just might work!
Good luck -- it can be brutal out there!
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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