LINCOLN, NE—One of the last surviving veterans who survived the D-Day invasion, Otto Bernard, opened up to reporters recently to tell his harrowing story of the bloody fight against entrenched German forces on Omaha Beach. According to Bernard, his terrifying experience was made even worse by a complete lack of trans representation among the soldiers.
"I landed with the 29th division in the first wave," said Bernard with a far-off look in his eyes. "As the DD Tanks hit the beach, we were showered with machine-gun fire that tore us to pieces."
"And as I looked around, I realized to my horror that there was a complete lack of trans representation. Just a bunch of biological men. Heck-- there weren't even any women." he said as tears formed and his voice began to shake.
"I'm totally embarrassed to have been a part of it," he said quietly. "We were wrong to thumb our noses at the value of diversity. Imagine how much better the invasion would have gone if we had a few women or at least a couple of trans-women with us. I'm so ashamed..."
Bernard, who was overcome with emotion, asked to cut the interview short. He has volunteered himself for the new military diversity training program to help atone for his sins.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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