BOULDER, CO—According to sources, local high-school senior and avowed radical communist Kazden McChitterly is "a bit unsettled" after discovering the hammer and sickle from the insignia he proudly wears on his t-shirts and knit hats represents hard physical labor.
"Wait-- that's an actual hammer? Like the kind you swing?" said McChitterly nervously. "Like-- you have to use it while doing really difficult work? I don't know about this."
Witnesses say he grew even more uncomfortable when he found out about the sickle. "I thought it was just a weapon used to gloriously cut down our capitalist foes!" he exclaimed after discovering it was actually used to gather grain for the government during 20-hour workdays in the bitter cold.
"I'm not sure about this communism thing anymore," he said. "Sounds kinda hard."
He relaxed, however, after his history teacher explained that "democratic communism" hasn't yet been tried and is way better than the old communism that involved a lot of work and starvation.
"Whew! That sounds better!" said McChitterly.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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