WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to anonymous sources, Biden was seen wandering the White House grounds this morning, desperately looking for President Obama.
"Barack! Barack! Where are ya, you ol' devil?" Biden yelled as he shuffled through the hallways in his bathrobe and slippers. "You can't hide from me, I know all the best hiding spots around here, you know that! Barack? Helloooo?"
After several minutes of fruitless searching, Biden got more agitated and uncooperative, aides say. At one point he bumped into Kamala Harris and asked for her help. "Michelle! Where's your husband Michelle? I need him real quick. Important meeting."
Amid increased calls for Democrats to show some humanity and help Biden step down and live out his remaining years peacefully, Press Secretary Jen Psaki said to the press: "Statements by these anonymous sources are completely false. The President is in perfect health and also has a fully functional brain."
"Also, there is no crisis at the border," she added. "But if there is, it's totally Trump's fault. No further questions at this time."
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."