WORLD—In defiance of changing cultural norms, the Creator of the universe stubbornly announced his plans to stay the same forever, no matter what anyone says.
"I am the same yesterday, today, and forever," The Almighty reportedly said to the writer of Hebrews chapter 13, apparently unaware that times have changed and many people think His views are outdated. "Do not be led astray by strange and diverse teachings," He went on to say, obviously indifferent to the pain his close-minded words were causing.
"It's inexcusable that God has refused to update his views to keep in step with our changing cultural norms," said one local man whose views have changed 23 times in the last 10 years. "He hasn't even updated his holy book in 2000 years! Let's move on already!"
When pressed for comment on whether he has plans to update his written word any time soon, The Almighty simply replied saying, "All flesh is like grass, and all its glory like the flowers of the field. The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of the Lord stands forever."
Scholars have roughly translated this to mean: "Nah-- I'm good."
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."