AGUA PRIETA—According to sources on the U.S.com/Mexico border, scores of young children are attempting to cross into the U.S. and fulfill their lifelong dream of enjoying American pastimes like reading Dr. Seuss books, watching Pepe Le Pew cartoons, and eating Aunt Jemima pancakes.
"I'm so excited!" said 8-year-old migrant Juan in broken English as he approached the border. "All my life I have dreamed of eating hot, fluffy Aunt Jemima pancakes, or sitting down to read my favorite Dr. Seuss book Oh, The Places You'll Go!"
Juan also told reporters he has always been a die-hard fan of the American football team the Washington Redskins, and can't wait to see his favorite team play in person. "I love watching them play!" he said. "Almost as much as I love watching the Cleveland Indians play baseball!"
Unfortunately, President Biden detained poor Juan at the border and told him to "go back home."
"I'm not giving up!" said Juan to reporters. "If I keep trying, I hope I will make it into America in time to watch the next season of The Mandalorian starring my favorite actress, Gina Carano!"
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."