The Babylon Bee
Culture • News • Comedy
Fake news you can trust.
Interested? Want to learn more about the community?

Learn more first
Biden Says Mask Wearing Must Continue Until Everyone Has Learned Complete Obedience To Government

WASHINGTON D.C.—A big question on everyone’s mind is when they will finally be able to stop wearing masks. President Joe Biden recently clarified this issue, saying people will be able to stop wearing masks as soon as absolutely everyone “has learned complete obedience to the government.”

“Both the federal and local governments have given you lots of different rules,” Biden told the press, “and all we want is for you to follow them unquestioningly. When people are still saying, ‘this rule is arbitrary,’ or, ‘this doesn’t make any sense with known science,’ then you’re still not ready and will have to keep wearing your masks.”

Biden further explained that removing mask mandates has nothing to do with how many people are vaccinated or anything else scientific or rational. “This is about demonstrating that you will do whatever we say whenever we say it,” Biden said. “When people are still talking about ‘liberty,’ then you’re just not ready. When the Constitution is in ashes, then you have my permission to die... to take off your mask, I mean.”

Some reporters tried to ask questions, but this only further angered Biden, as he had told them there would be no questions, and those reporters were forced to double-mask as penance.

post photo preview
Interested? Want to learn more about the community?

Learn more first
What else you may like…
Videos
Posts
🎙Christianity, Star Wars Prequels, and Staying In California | The Dave Rubin Interview

Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books

The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.

00:50:59
May 09, 2026

UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion

"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."

https://babylonbee.com/news/ufo-files-reveal-aliens-here-and-already-defrauded-minnesota-for-20-billion

May 09, 2026

Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws

"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."

https://babylonbee.com/news/democrat-effort-to-retake-congress-once-again-thwarted-by-existence-of-laws

May 08, 2026

Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote

"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."

https://babylonbee.com/news/virginia-considering-new-measure-that-just-makes-it-illegal-for-republicans-to-vote

Available on mobile and TV devices
google store google store app store app store
google store google store app tv store app tv store amazon store amazon store roku store roku store
Powered by Locals