WASHINGTON D.C.—A big question on everyone’s mind is when they will finally be able to stop wearing masks. President Joe Biden recently clarified this issue, saying people will be able to stop wearing masks as soon as absolutely everyone “has learned complete obedience to the government.”
“Both the federal and local governments have given you lots of different rules,” Biden told the press, “and all we want is for you to follow them unquestioningly. When people are still saying, ‘this rule is arbitrary,’ or, ‘this doesn’t make any sense with known science,’ then you’re still not ready and will have to keep wearing your masks.”
Biden further explained that removing mask mandates has nothing to do with how many people are vaccinated or anything else scientific or rational. “This is about demonstrating that you will do whatever we say whenever we say it,” Biden said. “When people are still talking about ‘liberty,’ then you’re just not ready. When the Constitution is in ashes, then you have my permission to die... to take off your mask, I mean.”
Some reporters tried to ask questions, but this only further angered Biden, as he had told them there would be no questions, and those reporters were forced to double-mask as penance.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."