EL PASO, TX—Many are starting to call the migrant surge at the southern border a "crisis" as more people continue to arrive and detention centers overflow. It is currently unclear who caused this crisis, but some critics are suggesting it may have something to do with all the "Free Stuff, Come On In" signs Biden has been hanging on the side of the border wall.
"For months now, Joe Biden has been sneaking down here at night, hanging up 'Free Stuff' posters along the border wall," said Amos Gutierrez, an ICE agent on the border. "I'm not saying the border surge is Biden's fault or anything, but the signs may have something to do with it."
Studies show that most migrants are just coming here to work hard and provide for their families, but some have shown an increase in people who are just coming here for free stuff-- likely due to the signs.
"We don't want hard-working, self-reliant people coming into the country," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. "We need people who are looking for free stuff so they'll vote for us forever. Did I say that out loud? Good morning! Sunday morning!"
Biden has promised to temporarily take down the "Free Stuff" signs until the media can finish their important work of making the crisis disappear.
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."