NEW YORK, NY—In a bold, progressive step, Columbia University has announced that they will be holding graduation ceremonies separated by race, ethnicity, income status, and all 7,895 genders.
A university spokesperson confirmed that these “separate but equal” ceremonies will be held in addition to the university-wide commencement address in order to ensure that each graduate is kept comfortable and not forced to have any unwanted social interactions with others outside their class, race, and gender identity.
“This is nothing unusual in the history of our nation,” read a statement on the school’s website. ”Having equal accommodations for segregated groups has been a long tradition in our country and we must have the courage to make those separate but equal accommodations for every race, religion, and gender.”
“I think in a time when we are healing from the bigotry and racism of the Trump years, this is a very needed change and I for one am excited to be attending the ceremony along with my gender nonconforming cohort,“ said one person.
One demiboy agreed that there needed to be a place for every boy and girl to feel comfortable.
“I guess I am indifferent about all this,” said one apathetic aliagender set to graduate.
At publishing time, various groups of trigenders, polygenders, pangenders and two-spirited individuals were divided amongst themselves on the need for a separate ceremony or if they would self-identify with another ceremony for the day of the events. White cisheteronormatives were banned from attending any ceremonies.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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