U.S.—A class-action lawsuit has been filed in federal court against Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion for intense trauma and psychological damages following the pair's Grammys performance last weekend.
Reports of Americans slamming their own heads against blunt objects rose to incomprehensible numbers after the performance last Sunday, with many reporting damages after trying to wash their eyes out with bleach.
While it is unprecedented that an entire country would sue an artist, the court granted an exception due to the uniquely terrible and offensive nature of the song and dance.
"Yeah, we're gonna go ahead and allow this," said the judge. "It's rare that a performance is so bad that an entire nation can be made dumber just due to its having existed, but here we are."
Cruel and unusual punishment is also going to be allowed in this case, as the judge allowed an exception due to the heinous nature of the charges. The plaintiffs' lawyers are seeking financial restitution for damage to their eyesight, mind, and soul, as well as an order for Cardi B to be punished by being forced to watch her own performances.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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