U.S.—A class-action lawsuit has been filed in federal court against Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion for intense trauma and psychological damages following the pair's Grammys performance last weekend.
Reports of Americans slamming their own heads against blunt objects rose to incomprehensible numbers after the performance last Sunday, with many reporting damages after trying to wash their eyes out with bleach.
While it is unprecedented that an entire country would sue an artist, the court granted an exception due to the uniquely terrible and offensive nature of the song and dance.
"Yeah, we're gonna go ahead and allow this," said the judge. "It's rare that a performance is so bad that an entire nation can be made dumber just due to its having existed, but here we are."
Cruel and unusual punishment is also going to be allowed in this case, as the judge allowed an exception due to the heinous nature of the charges. The plaintiffs' lawyers are seeking financial restitution for damage to their eyesight, mind, and soul, as well as an order for Cardi B to be punished by being forced to watch her own performances.
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."