SEATTLE, WA—Despite the pandemic and the need for everyone to work together, many are still refusing to take the most basic precaution of wearing a mask. This is causing a number of places to clamp down on this dangerous behavior, such as Our Lady of Science Hospital, which just kicked out Willie Green, aged one day, for refusing to wear a mask in the hospital’s nursery.
“This is a hospital, and not wearing a mask puts everyone in danger,” said administrator Justin Baker. “Our rules are clear: Everyone -- everyone -- has to wear a mask. That stupid baby was trying to kill us all.”
Willie’s mother, Nancy -- presumably some sort of right-wing Trump fanatic -- tried to make excuses for her son, saying he “is just a baby” and “can’t control his limbs,” and “you can’t put a mask on a baby. What are you? Insane?” She was also ejected from the hospital for being an accessory to not wearing a mask.
“Don’t try to argue against mask rules with science or common sense or any of that garbage,” said Baker, “because it’s not about that. It’s about arbitrary rules everyone needs to unquestioningly follow to show they’re good people. And you know who is not a good person? That horrible little baby. I’m glad he’s gone.”
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."