NASHVILLE, TN—Describing the experience as “tragic,” local worship leader Axl Johnson found his congregation totally unable to worship as the church’s primary fog machine malfunctioned right in the middle of the Sunday morning set. “We barely got through our new song. It was a real train wreck,” a visibly shaken Johnson told us while sipping a latte macchiato in the church cafe after service.
Just as the song, an original mashup between Hoobastank’s The Reason and Gungor’s Beautiful Things, reached its climax, a loud pop emanated from the 1600-watt machine positioned just in front of the Plexiglas pulpit. The device sputtered to a halt and ceased pumping out 30,000 cubic feet of water-based fog per minute into the venue. Onlookers said it totally and instantly killed their personal worship experience.
“It was a serious downer,” one parishioner recalled. “One moment I was caught up in the Spirit, worshiping the living God of all creation before His throne, and the next I was brought plummeting back down to earth. The mood was totally ruined.”
The church has ordered a full inspection of the remaining five fog machines as well as the laser light controllers as a preventative measure. “We’re not losing the Holy Spirit again, not on my watch anyway,” Johnson declared. “We’re a strong group on a life journey together. We’ll pick ourselves up and grow from this tragedy.”
At publishing time, the church is discussing a possible name change from “Legacy” to “The Gathering” to help the flock move on.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
UKRAINE—As Russian troops assemble at Ukraine's border ahead of a possible land invasion, President Biden has taken swift action by deploying an elite seal team to evacuate his son Hunter's money.
"At my direction, military operatives infiltrated a bank to evacuate my son's stash of sweet, sweet Burisma cash before Russia murdered everyone. I didn't want to risk that money falling into the wrong hands," said Biden in a statement to congress. "Unfortunately, we haven't been able to evacuate Americans from the country because I put all our resources on this operation. But make no mistake, we will leave no dollar behind."
The four-man squad was dropped into ally territory by a Black Hawk helicopter outfitted for stealth missions. Once on the ground, they covertly asked for directions to the nearest bank and shared an Uber to make the 4-mile journey.
Bank security footage depicts the squad calmly entering the bank and asking for the manager. The squad then assembled in a tiny cubicle to ...
KIEV, UKRAINE—As Russian troops increased their threat to Ukraine’s sovereignty and independence, the Ukrainian military showed their tactical prowess by asking Kyle Rittenhouse to come and guard their border with Russia.
“Yo, Kyle, hope all is well. Hey listen, our citizens are under threat from Putin and his d-bag army,” texted Ukrainian Minister of Defense, Sergei Ukrainovich to America’s national hero, Kyle Rittenhouse. “Could u do us a solid and come guard our border? Bring ur AR-15 lol thx.”
While some praised the move as militarily brilliant as well as based, citing the fact that no military has the capacity to withstand the freedom-spewing courage of Mr. Rittenhouse, U.S. Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin criticized the move, citing Kyle Rittenhouse’s status as a cis-white male, and reminding everyone that guarding Ukraine would require him to CROSS STATE LINES.
“President Biden is weighing the deployment of troops to Ukraine,” said Secretary Austin, ...
GALLIFREY—Reports indicate that just as the fallen Doctor was regenerating into a strong, powerful, diverse female, the 14th Doctor has instead taken the form of Doctor Jordan Peterson. What was certain to be the most stunning and brave—and not to mention the lowest-rated—season yet, has now been subverted entirely by the emergence of Doctor Peterson as the newest Time Lord.
“It’s like no—if you betray yourself, if you say untrue things, you weaken your character,” said Dr. Peterson when asked why he returned as a man. “For God sakes, you just can’t bloody well live with that kind of paradox in life, lying to yourself.”
Sources say the new Doctor wasted no time in setting his space and time traveling T.A.R.D.I.S in order, and visiting some of the worst parts and greatest villains from history. He first visited the Cybermen telling them if they actually wanted to call themselves men, then they could start by cleaning their own room.
“It isn’t obvious to me how ...
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