U.S.—A new study has found that Biden has successfully handled the border crisis by reducing the amount of media coverage of the border crisis by 867%.
"Biden has expertly handled this crisis, reducing the number of media reports of the problem significantly," said Jen Psaki in a press conference today. "Under the previous administration, there were thousands of news stories a day on the poor conditions of the migrants at the border. Under Biden, that number is way, way lower."
Estimates suggest that whereas there was a steady stream of reports about bad conditions, inept government action, and inhumane handling of migrants who had crossed the border, Biden has "built a wall" around the information coming from the border, so that the influx of news stories has all but stopped.
"As Biden continues to expertly handle the crisis of media coverage, we expect the number of news stories to be reduced down to Obama administration levels in no time," Psaki said proudly.
"But what about the kids in cage--" one Newsmax reporter began, only for Psaki to pull a handle and send him plummeting through a trap door.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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