TOLEDO, OH—Local wife and mother of three Linda Mankin helpfully took a deep breath, braced herself against the dashboard, and screamed at the top of her lungs as the car just five miles ahead of them on the freeway applied some slight pressure to the breaks, sources confirmed Monday.
"Honey -- look out!!!!" she shouted as the car over four exits ahead slowed down from 65 to 62. "We're gonna craaaaaaaash!!!"
Mankin then frantically unlocked the door, jumped out, and rolled down the highway, narrowly saving herself from certain death, as her husband surely would have run into the car and not managed to brake in time, since he was just under the recommended 1,760 car lengths between him and the car in front of him.
"That was a close one," she said later as she put her thumb out to hitchhike and catch up to her husband. "Sometimes, Jacob just doesn't pay attention. He's really lucky to have me riding in the passenger seat, ready to point out when there is even the slightest bit of slowing in traffic anywhere within a thousand miles of us."
"I don't know what he'd do without me."
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."