ANN ARBOR, MI—According to sources, some residents of a local upper-class suburb have accumulated "Black Lives Matter", "Hispanic Lives Matter", and "Asian Lives Matter" signs in their perfectly manicured front yards. Experts warn, however, that with the addition of more people groups every day, they are getting dangerously close to saying "All Lives Matter."
"We need to guard against this," said local sociology professor Dr. Cam Duncatilly as she added a "Trans Lives Matter" and "Indigenous Lives Matter" sign in her front yard. "We have to make sure that as we add more minorities, we stop short of the damnable heresy of 'All Lives Matter.'"
Some scientists have warned that affluent white suburbanites could run out of lawn space for all the signs very soon.
"Limited space is a growing concern," said Duncatilly-- who also identifies as a scientist.
Thankfully, a solution has been proposed to help cut down on yard signage. Many have discovered they can get the same message across by putting up a single sign that simply says "White Men Are The Worst".
Brilliant!
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."