RICHMOND, VA—In a major public health initiative, Marlboro is offering a free carton of cigarettes with proof of vaccination.
Every day in 2021, you can go into any convenience store and get a full carton of cigs by showing your vaccination card.
"We want to promote public health, so we're going to make sure people get vaccinated by tempting them with our smooth, rich cigarettes," said a Philip Morris executive as he stroked a cat in his dark office lit by torches. "See, we figured out that as long as we were pro-vaccine, health officials would continue to look the other way as we sell our cancer-causing products. Muahahahaha!"
He then pressed a button that sent the reporters gathered plummeting into the shark tank.
Other promotions that have recently been announced by corporations include the following:
Free Krispy Kreme donuts for the vaccinated
A giant mountain of ice cream every day at Baskin-Robbins
The ability to buy, sell, and trade at the marketplace
Free crack cocaine from the Mexican cartels
A giant tub of Chick-fil-A sauce for you to guzzle down
We're just glad companies are finally getting serious about making sure the country is healthy. Great job, America!
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
State and local officials rush to create a catalog of minors to hand over to those on the Epstein client list.
"We want to protect the children" This new bill (Illinois SB 3977) is very similar to the recently passed California bill (and the introduced Colorado bill) and, if passed, would set a deadline of January 1st, 2028 for compliance.
https://legiscan.com/IL/bill/SB3977/2025
Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
