WASHINGTON, D.C.—White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki has revealed her secret to how she so masterfully handles every White House press briefing. Her key to success comes from early morning sessions of playing dodgeball.
“Every morning I wake up at 5am to play a rigorous 3-hour game of dodgeball to warm up for press briefings,” explained Jen Psaki. “It’s a cutthroat world out there when I’m not being tossed softball questions, and I have to find new ways to dodge them. I have to be prepared for anything!”
“It’s like my dear mentor and coach Patches O'Houlihan always says: If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge straightforward, easy to answer questions about the President’s administration.”
“Again!” said her coach, launching dodgeballs labeled ‘Border Crisis’, ‘Is Biden Alive?’, and ‘Unchecked National Debt’ directly at her. “You have to be ready for this! Now faster next time.”
Jen Psaki proceeded to duck, dive and dodge like a true champion. “I’ll circle back on that!” she shouted masterfully spinning out of the way when asked why gas prices are skyrocketing.
At publishing time, Jen Psaki expressed her hope to keep her "Days since answering a question in a meaningful, informative way" record going for at least the next 4 years.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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