BOULDER, CO—After 24 hours lamenting the scourge of white supremacy in America, new details revealed that an evil mass shooter was Arab. The media was able to retain their narrative, however, when further details emerged that in spite of being Arab, the shooter was morally white.
"The mass shooter was morally white," said one CNN anchor. "This clearly shows that white supremacy is still the enemy here. Whiteness is a flexible thing that can mean whatever soulless political opportunists like us want it to mean, whenever we need it to! Did I say that out loud? Wait-- um, er, I mean... wow, such a tragedy."
The media is confident that even if the white supremacy narrative backfires, they will still be able to exploit an unspeakable human tragedy to roll out their standard gun-control narrative.
"Yeah, either way, we'll get some good political mileage out of this," said another media figure, who is factually human, but morally a pale, carp-like fish that lives in the murky depths of a polluted river. "That's what bottom feeders, er-- I mean courageous journalists like us do best!"
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
