BOULDER, CO—After 24 hours lamenting the scourge of white supremacy in America, new details revealed that an evil mass shooter was Arab. The media was able to retain their narrative, however, when further details emerged that in spite of being Arab, the shooter was morally white.
"The mass shooter was morally white," said one CNN anchor. "This clearly shows that white supremacy is still the enemy here. Whiteness is a flexible thing that can mean whatever soulless political opportunists like us want it to mean, whenever we need it to! Did I say that out loud? Wait-- um, er, I mean... wow, such a tragedy."
The media is confident that even if the white supremacy narrative backfires, they will still be able to exploit an unspeakable human tragedy to roll out their standard gun-control narrative.
"Yeah, either way, we'll get some good political mileage out of this," said another media figure, who is factually human, but morally a pale, carp-like fish that lives in the murky depths of a polluted river. "That's what bottom feeders, er-- I mean courageous journalists like us do best!"
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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