U.S.—Citing confusion around their past support for Black Lives Matter, Planned Parenthood has launched a new campaign, "Born Lives Matter," to make sure people understand black lives only matter after they've been born.
"There was some initial confusion since our organization is responsible for ending the lives of millions of black children-- er, I mean fetuses," said CEO Iris E. Harvey. "It's important we clarify to the public that we didn't end any lives that actually mattered since only BORN black lives matter."
According to sources, abortion is the leading cause of death among black Americans. According to Planned Parenthood, however, it's not a cause of death at all among black Americans who matter.
"ONLY-- BORN-- BLACK-- LIVES-- MATTER," said Harvey, clapping between every word.
"Planned Parenthood hopes this new campaign will lessen some of the confusion," Harvey continued, "and allow us to continue our glorious mission of population control and eugen-- er, I mean, caring for women."
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."