Whenever a national tragedy occurs, the most important thing we can do is immediately jump online to fight with our political opponents!
Make sure to follow these easy tips for how to respond in a respectful and thoughtful manner when discussing recent tragedies online:
Wait a few seconds out of respect for the victims, then immediately try to score political points. -- Don't jump in with your political jabs right away -- wait at least two or three seconds before slamming your political opponents online.
Assume the facts fit your narrative before they come out. -- You can't waste any time waiting for facts to come out. By then your hot take will be lukewarm. Just assume that everything fits into your preconceived worldview and have at it.
Point out that your pet projects and policies definitely would have fixed this. -- All the policy proposals you already believed in are definitely the solution to this crisis, so leverage this tragedy to push your agenda right away. After a few seconds of mourning, of course.
Offer thoughts and prayers that the shooter was the right skin color for your narrative. -- Bow your head to God above and pray that the shooter was white if you're a liberal, or Middle Eastern if you're a conservative.
Set up a memorial in the form of some dank memes. -- Memes are the best way to remember the senseless act of violence. Don't bother arguing your points with nuance and thoughtfulness. Just blast out the most savage memes you can find.
Immediately vomit all your darkest thoughts and worst prejudices online for all to see. -- Seriously, like, draft the absolutely worst tweet of all time and just blast that sucker out there. You'll get ratioed to heck and will have to delete it at some point, but it's worth it.
If anyone says they're praying for the victims, destroy that person. -- This isn't the time to pray to God! This is the time to petition the government to DO SOMETHING, since the government has proven to be calm, rational, and effective at its job. Nothing bad has ever happened when the government has gotten involved.
Now get out there and fight the good fight!
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
UKRAINE—As Russian troops assemble at Ukraine's border ahead of a possible land invasion, President Biden has taken swift action by deploying an elite seal team to evacuate his son Hunter's money.
"At my direction, military operatives infiltrated a bank to evacuate my son's stash of sweet, sweet Burisma cash before Russia murdered everyone. I didn't want to risk that money falling into the wrong hands," said Biden in a statement to congress. "Unfortunately, we haven't been able to evacuate Americans from the country because I put all our resources on this operation. But make no mistake, we will leave no dollar behind."
The four-man squad was dropped into ally territory by a Black Hawk helicopter outfitted for stealth missions. Once on the ground, they covertly asked for directions to the nearest bank and shared an Uber to make the 4-mile journey.
Bank security footage depicts the squad calmly entering the bank and asking for the manager. The squad then assembled in a tiny cubicle to ...
KIEV, UKRAINE—As Russian troops increased their threat to Ukraine’s sovereignty and independence, the Ukrainian military showed their tactical prowess by asking Kyle Rittenhouse to come and guard their border with Russia.
“Yo, Kyle, hope all is well. Hey listen, our citizens are under threat from Putin and his d-bag army,” texted Ukrainian Minister of Defense, Sergei Ukrainovich to America’s national hero, Kyle Rittenhouse. “Could u do us a solid and come guard our border? Bring ur AR-15 lol thx.”
While some praised the move as militarily brilliant as well as based, citing the fact that no military has the capacity to withstand the freedom-spewing courage of Mr. Rittenhouse, U.S. Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin criticized the move, citing Kyle Rittenhouse’s status as a cis-white male, and reminding everyone that guarding Ukraine would require him to CROSS STATE LINES.
“President Biden is weighing the deployment of troops to Ukraine,” said Secretary Austin, ...
ATLANTA—A member of CNN's Misinformation Squad was found hiding under a desk in the basement after making a frightful call to the police. "The misinformation is coming from inside the building," whispered the terrified employee to an alarmed 911 dispatcher.
The employee, intern Jessie Furbank, was reportedly in tears as police escorted her out of the building, after which she allegedly asked for witness protection.
"I need a new identity, a new life—they're going to find me!" said Jessie, according to witnesses.
A transcript has been released by the Atlanta Police Department that reveals the harrowing moment.
Dispatch: This is 911, what is your emergency?
Furbank: You have to [unintelligible] help! I'm–
Dispatch: Calm down, please. Are you in danger?
Furbank: Yes! I work at CNN. I [heavy breathing] I was hired to track misinformation, but—
[unknown banging noises]
Dispatch: Ma'am, are you alright?
Furbank: Did you just assume my gen– never mind, you have to come get me!
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