U.S.—American voters expressed concern for President Biden's health this week after a viral video showed him tumbling down the stairs, off a cliff, and into a pit full of alligators.
"Woah-- these stairs weren't here before! Wooahhh!" exclaimed Biden before tumbling for several minutes across the ground, through the air, and into a pool full of the deadly beasts.
"Don't worry," said a New York Times report later that day. "The President is 100% fine. He even might be 120% or even 130% fine, according to his team of doctors. His recovery can likely be attributed to his generous smile and big heart."
Jen Psaki later clarified that Biden had simply staged the elaborate stunt as a show of his vigorous strength to world leaders like Putin and Kim Jong-un. "He is totally alive with all of his limbs and has not been eaten," said the Press Secretary. "He is definitely the most healthy and alive president ever," she said, reassuring the public.
The White House later showed proof of Biden's incredible health via a totally real and pre-recorded tape of Biden snowboarding.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"It's time for these people to pay for their crimes," said FBI Director Christopher Wray in a brief statement regarding the raids. "We have spent several years surveilling these dangerous people and warning the public about them. Now they have struck a devastating blow to our country by electing Trump. We're going to take swift action to deal with them."
https://babylonbee.com/news/fbi-to-raid-homes-of-all-75000000-people-who-conspired-to-elect-trump
"Tulsi Gabbard as head of National Intelligence? Really?" said a flabbergasted John Bolton who previously served as Trump's National Security Advisor. "She doesn't have any experience sitting around Washington for years being a corrupt waste of space. We can't have that!"
"He/she/they are an anomaly at this point," said research scientist Willard Brumlow. "While we have been able to ascertain that this person is enraged at society at large and has a shaved head, we have as of yet been unable to conclusively find out whether they are a skinhead or just a run-of-the-mill liberal female. Further investigation is warranted, but quite frankly, we're hesitant to get close to them… her… it."
https://babylonbee.com/news/unclear-if-angry-looking-bald-person-a-neo-nazi-or-liberal-woman