U.S.—American voters expressed concern for President Biden's health this week after a viral video showed him tumbling down the stairs, off a cliff, and into a pit full of alligators.
"Woah-- these stairs weren't here before! Wooahhh!" exclaimed Biden before tumbling for several minutes across the ground, through the air, and into a pool full of the deadly beasts.
"Don't worry," said a New York Times report later that day. "The President is 100% fine. He even might be 120% or even 130% fine, according to his team of doctors. His recovery can likely be attributed to his generous smile and big heart."
Jen Psaki later clarified that Biden had simply staged the elaborate stunt as a show of his vigorous strength to world leaders like Putin and Kim Jong-un. "He is totally alive with all of his limbs and has not been eaten," said the Press Secretary. "He is definitely the most healthy and alive president ever," she said, reassuring the public.
The White House later showed proof of Biden's incredible health via a totally real and pre-recorded tape of Biden snowboarding.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."