NEW YORK, NY—The team at Guinness Book of World Records is carefully monitoring to see who will claim the record for ‘Most Seniors Killed’. As of now, the competition is neck and neck between Governor Whitmer and Governor Cuomo.
“While both governors have worked very hard at handling the COVID pandemic as poorly as possible, sadly there can only be one winner,” said Guinness Book Of World Records spokesman Kyle Mansfield.
“I can’t say enough how hard it must’ve been during these unprecedented times to turn down outside help and to force Covid patients into nursing homes-- despite the obvious risks.” Mansfield continued. “But without their poor leadership and incompetence, I wouldn’t have anyone to present this award to.”
“So without further ado, I present Governor Andrew Cuomo of New York with the first annual 'Most Seniors Killed' world record,” said Mansfield, presenting the award over zoom.
Governor Whitmer has reportedly complained that this is not fair and that she should at least get the record for "Most Covered Up Killed Seniors."
Inside Guinness Book Of World Records headquarters, they are also eyeing Cuomo for ‘Most Accusers of Sexual Harassment as Governor’, but too many accusations keep piling in to obtain a final count.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."