U.S.—Service stations across the country have begun widening their signs in preparation for higher gas prices, sources confirmed Thursday.
The wider signs allow for prices up to eight digits long, "an absolute necessity" for the Biden presidency, according to local fuel station franchise owners.
"We're gonna need a bigger sign," gas station owner Amir Wallenfeld said in an interview with a local news station in Los Angeles. "This should get us through the first few years of the Biden presidency, though we're looking for a bigger one should he be reelected in 2024, should he live that long."
"There, that oughtta do it," he said as he updated the price of regular gasoline to $82.89. "Oh, wait, no -- sorry, just got an alert on my phone." He then climbed up and added a "1" to the front of the price. "It's a good thing we thought ahead!"
Sources have also confirmed that the national debt clock will be widened to prepare for Biden's coming spending policies.
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."