So there’s this press conference where this Megan Rapinoe is complaining she’s not getting paid the same for doing the same work as a man. So I’m like, “Well, what kind of work is she doing?” Now, she's got purple hair like some character from one of those Japanese cartoons perverts watch, so probably not one of them office jobs you’d have a lady do, like HR or something. Maybe she’s a nurse. Are they now paying male nurses more? Frankly, I prefer lady nurses, so I hope not.
But then I find out she’s a soccer player. And now I’m on her side. You are absolutely right, lady. You should get paid exactly the same as your male counterparts: absolutely nothing.
Who is paying people to play some boring Commie sport? Shouldn’t they get paid in a bowl of borscht or something? I mean, we have all these real sports in the U.S.: Football. Baseball. Basketball. Hockey (I guess). Who is instead giving money to watch European kicky ball? “I don’t want to watch anyone score; I just want to watch people pass for five hours.” I hope anyone like that is on an FBI watchlist, or why does that even exist?
But what really creeps me out is that there is somehow money for women’s soccer -- the less good version of the world’s most boring sport. What nefarious things are going on there? If some guy went up to my wife, Eustice, and said, “Hey, dollface, I’ll pay you money to watch you kick around a ball,” that weirdo would be spitting out his teeth as soon as I found out. I guess the only consolation is that it’s a small amount of money, meaning this country hasn’t gone completely crazy.
So you’re right, Miss Rapinoe. You should get paid the same as men to play soccer -- a big fat zero. All funds for soccer should be seized by the government because there ain’t nothing good going on there. And that money should instead go to a real sport like football -- one we don’t let women play so women’s pay is never an issue.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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