So there’s this press conference where this Megan Rapinoe is complaining she’s not getting paid the same for doing the same work as a man. So I’m like, “Well, what kind of work is she doing?” Now, she's got purple hair like some character from one of those Japanese cartoons perverts watch, so probably not one of them office jobs you’d have a lady do, like HR or something. Maybe she’s a nurse. Are they now paying male nurses more? Frankly, I prefer lady nurses, so I hope not.

But then I find out she’s a soccer player. And now I’m on her side. You are absolutely right, lady. You should get paid exactly the same as your male counterparts: absolutely nothing.

Who is paying people to play some boring Commie sport? Shouldn’t they get paid in a bowl of borscht or something? I mean, we have all these real sports in the U.S.: Football. Baseball. Basketball. Hockey (I guess). Who is instead giving money to watch European kicky ball? “I don’t want to watch anyone score; I just want to watch people pass for five hours.” I hope anyone like that is on an FBI watchlist, or why does that even exist?

But what really creeps me out is that there is somehow money for women’s soccer -- the less good version of the world’s most boring sport. What nefarious things are going on there? If some guy went up to my wife, Eustice, and said, “Hey, dollface, I’ll pay you money to watch you kick around a ball,” that weirdo would be spitting out his teeth as soon as I found out. I guess the only consolation is that it’s a small amount of money, meaning this country hasn’t gone completely crazy.

So you’re right, Miss Rapinoe. You should get paid the same as men to play soccer -- a big fat zero. All funds for soccer should be seized by the government because there ain’t nothing good going on there. And that money should instead go to a real sport like football -- one we don’t let women play so women’s pay is never an issue.