WASHINGTON, D.C.—At Biden's first press conference today, most of the questions were thoughtful and pointed, with reporters asking things like "Why are you so amazing?" and "We demand you tell us your secret to being so incredible!"
But one reporter went further than the others. The reporter, a new CNN recruit, Ronald Crump, jumped up and asked, "Mr. Biden, why are you a total loser?"
"Hey, come on, Jack!" Biden replied. "That's just uncalled for."
"What's uncalled for is how much of a sad, pathetic, no-good failure you are!" Crump replied, twirling his mustache.
"Come on up here, pal, and we'll have a good ol' round of fisticuffs to settle this once and for all!" Biden replied as Secret Service held him back. Finally, a shepherd's crook came from offstage and yoinked him out of there before a fight occurred.
"See? This guy can't even answer a simple question. Sad!" Crump replied.
At publishing time, Crump had calmly climbed up the stage and began answering questions for the next three hours, claiming it was "out of habit" from an old job he used to have.
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"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."