WASHINGTON D.C.—In the daily list of brand new things suddenly thought to be racist, the Senate’s filibuster has been added, making it the 83,456,718,514th thing to recently be revealed as racist that no one gave even two thoughts about mere months ago.
“The filibuster is as bad as Jim Crow,” said left-wing pundit Matthew Cook. “No, it’s worse than that. It’s as bad as a box of Uncle Ben’s rice. Maybe even as bad as the white supremacist concept of punctuality.”
Not that long ago, Democrats constantly used the filibuster, and both President Biden and President Barack Obama gave impassioned speeches in defense of the filibuster, but this week it has been revealed to be super-duper racist, as it wound up on the daily list of “Things We Now Consider Racist But Also Always Considered Racist But Just Didn’t Say Anything Until Now” next to Scrappy from Scooby-Doo, the word “thrombosis,” and the color aquamarine.
“The filibuster has always felt so racist and so oppressive,” said woke activist Keith Martin. “We just hadn’t alerted anyone about it until recently because of all the other really racist things we had to tell everyone about, like the Dr. Seuss book Beyond Zebras and, you know, that syrup and jumping jacks.” Martin looked confused for a moment. “I think jumping jacks are on the racist list.” Martin started going through the printed-out list of racist things, and the paper was large enough to fill a room. “I’m sure I saw that in here somewhere.”
Activists are urging the Senate to move against the filibuster immediately, as there will be at least five million more things declared racist tomorrow that will also need to be handled.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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