WASHINGTON D.C.—In the daily list of brand new things suddenly thought to be racist, the Senate’s filibuster has been added, making it the 83,456,718,514th thing to recently be revealed as racist that no one gave even two thoughts about mere months ago.
“The filibuster is as bad as Jim Crow,” said left-wing pundit Matthew Cook. “No, it’s worse than that. It’s as bad as a box of Uncle Ben’s rice. Maybe even as bad as the white supremacist concept of punctuality.”
Not that long ago, Democrats constantly used the filibuster, and both President Biden and President Barack Obama gave impassioned speeches in defense of the filibuster, but this week it has been revealed to be super-duper racist, as it wound up on the daily list of “Things We Now Consider Racist But Also Always Considered Racist But Just Didn’t Say Anything Until Now” next to Scrappy from Scooby-Doo, the word “thrombosis,” and the color aquamarine.
“The filibuster has always felt so racist and so oppressive,” said woke activist Keith Martin. “We just hadn’t alerted anyone about it until recently because of all the other really racist things we had to tell everyone about, like the Dr. Seuss book Beyond Zebras and, you know, that syrup and jumping jacks.” Martin looked confused for a moment. “I think jumping jacks are on the racist list.” Martin started going through the printed-out list of racist things, and the paper was large enough to fill a room. “I’m sure I saw that in here somewhere.”
Activists are urging the Senate to move against the filibuster immediately, as there will be at least five million more things declared racist tomorrow that will also need to be handled.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
Congress Warns Trump's Attempts To End War In Ukraine Could Result In End Of War In Ukraine
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."
