REDONDO BEACH, CA—Local introverted man Christopher Stern married an extroverted woman, Genevieve. He recently admitted to reporters that while he loves his wife, his primary motivation was having someone to handle all his potentially awkward, confrontational social situations.
"I love her with all my heart," he said. "But, yeah, I've gotta admit -- having someone to handle scenarios where I'm just screaming internally and want to run away is pretty great."
Stern says whenever a restaurant gets his food order wrong, his wife is on it. "I usually will just say thanks and just eat the wrong meal." But his wife won't stand for it and immediately asks to speak to the manager, often getting their meals comped and all kinds of other perks just by being confident and extroverted.
She's also great for handling door-to-door salesmen, unwanted sales calls on the telephone, and all kinds of small talk at church. "I haven't talked to anyone at church in months," he said. "They ask how we're doing and she just launches into a full description of our lives while I pull out my phone. Sometimes my phone is dead, and I'm just staring at a blank screen. But she handles it like a pro."
At publishing time, Stern had asked his wife to come into the office with him so she can make small talk with his coworkers, ask his boss for a raise, and deal with his more demanding clients.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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