U.S.—The Biden Administration is hard at work putting together a vaccine passport program that will help society more effectively separate the good vaccinated people from the bad, gross, scary unvaccinated ones. To make things super convenient, vaccinated individuals will be given the opportunity to tattoo the passport's 2D barcode on their hand or forehead.
"What a great idea!" said Jibby Tillygoober, local vaccinated man. "Now everyone will know I'm completely safe to be around and it's virtually impossible for me to get them sick! Wow! I'm such a good person!"
Those who refuse the vaccine and passport will be prohibited from buying or selling anything. They will also be barred from select businesses such as restaurants, planes, gas stations, banks, grocery stores, and most Chuck E. Cheese locations. They will also be cast out of the city limits and stoned to death, and their homes and crops burned to the ground for good measure.
In spite of some naysayers, Biden defended the vaccine passport program, saying: "Now to go around... well, anyway, uh-- real simple for the kiddos in the, uh, how-- ahhh, I shouldn't say that. So, gotta go now!"
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."