U.S.—With Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg proposing a national tax based on how many miles you drive in your car, budget-minded drivers will be able to activate new features in their cars that will warn them when they're about to exceed their budgeted miles for the month.
"This is a great way to keep the poors from driving too much," said Buttigieg. "Er- I mean... to ensure social justice and equity on the roads! Yeah!"
Experts predict the proposed tax will encourage the country bumpkins in rural areas to move to the city and become good, public transportation-using liberals.
"We don't really know what those country folk are doing outside the city with all that driving," said the Transportation Secretary. "Probably going to barn-raisings and corn shuckings and racist "Q" meetings and Bible studies. They don't need all that. Bad for the environment."
New mandates will require all cars to be equipped with Buttigieg's special "mileage limit indicators" by 2022. Drivers will be able to insert cash or a credit card if they wish to keep driving.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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