LITTLE ROCK, AR—In a huge blow to trans-species rights, Arkansas has passed a controversial law banning the dismemberment and surgical altering of children if they want to be a different creature.
"I'll never forget the day my daughter Belle was splashing in the tub and said, 'Look at me, Mommy! I'm a mermaid!'" said local progressive mother and part-time librarian Zindy Derple. "I knew that day she was different. A mythical fish-creature trapped in a human girl's body."
Belle's dismemberment surgery has now been canceled due to Arkansas's new law.
"Now, we can't even get her the compassionate leg-removal medical care needed to turn her into her true mermaid self," she said, fighting tears.
The bill will also prohibit whisker implants for kids who want to be cats, pouch surgery for kids who want to be kangaroos, and "dunking in a vat of chemicals" treatments for kids who identify as Batman's arch-nemesis, the Joker.
"This is a cruel and inhumane bill," said Derple. "It denies the proven science that species is a fluid thing and denies essential treatment to children, who are obviously old enough to understand what species they are."
Hollywood has also spoken up, vowing to never film in Arkansas again. "Arkansas needs to learn we will never support a state that normalizes such hate and bigotry," said one director.
"We will be filming Cuties 2 elsewhere, thank you very much."
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