WASHINGTON, D.C.—In what many are calling a concerning sign, CDC Director Rochelle Walensky gave a calm, rational, science-driven pandemic update yesterday, all while holding a sign reading "The End Is Near."
"I'm sorry, Dr. Walensky -- should we be concerned? You're holding a sign that suggests impending doom," said one reporter.
But Walensky reassured the press that everything is fine and that science will save us.
"We must follow the science and remain calm. Also, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE, RUN FOR THE HILLS!" she screamed. "FIRE! BRIMSTONE! DEATH! IT'S COMING FOR ALL OF US!"
"Finally," she continued after calming down, "we'd like to encourage everyone to continue to wear an average of 2.5 masks whenever you must go out, which should be rare. Additionally, DEATH IS FAST APPROACHING EACH ONE OF US AND THERE IS NO ESCAPE! EMBRACE YOUR DOOM!!!"
Dr. Walensky then pulled out several scientific tools to support her hypothesis of impending doom, from tea leaves and a crystal ball to a deck of tarot cards. She drew the top card of the deck: "IT'S DEATH!" she cried. "THE CARDS HAVE SPOKEN! WE CANNOT RUN FROM OUR FATE!"
"THE APOCALYPSE IS NIGH! SAVE YOURSELVES!!!"
The CDC Director then lit her hair on fire and ran outside and threw herself off a cliff. The media quickly praised her and the Biden administration for their calm, reassuring demeanor.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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GALLIFREY—Reports indicate that just as the fallen Doctor was regenerating into a strong, powerful, diverse female, the 14th Doctor has instead taken the form of Doctor Jordan Peterson. What was certain to be the most stunning and brave—and not to mention the lowest-rated—season yet, has now been subverted entirely by the emergence of Doctor Peterson as the newest Time Lord.
“It’s like no—if you betray yourself, if you say untrue things, you weaken your character,” said Dr. Peterson when asked why he returned as a man. “For God sakes, you just can’t bloody well live with that kind of paradox in life, lying to yourself.”
Sources say the new Doctor wasted no time in setting his space and time traveling T.A.R.D.I.S in order, and visiting some of the worst parts and greatest villains from history. He first visited the Cybermen telling them if they actually wanted to call themselves men, then they could start by cleaning their own room.
“It isn’t obvious to me how ...
UKRAINE—As Russian troops assemble at Ukraine's border ahead of a possible land invasion, President Biden has taken swift action by deploying an elite seal team to evacuate his son Hunter's money.
"At my direction, military operatives infiltrated a bank to evacuate my son's stash of sweet, sweet Burisma cash before Russia murdered everyone. I didn't want to risk that money falling into the wrong hands," said Biden in a statement to congress. "Unfortunately, we haven't been able to evacuate Americans from the country because I put all our resources on this operation. But make no mistake, we will leave no dollar behind."
The four-man squad was dropped into ally territory by a Black Hawk helicopter outfitted for stealth missions. Once on the ground, they covertly asked for directions to the nearest bank and shared an Uber to make the 4-mile journey.
Bank security footage depicts the squad calmly entering the bank and asking for the manager. The squad then assembled in a tiny cubicle to ...
TRENTON, NJ—In a landmark ruling handed down in a lower-level family court Monday, Judge Marcus Parsons ruled that a husband can in fact be held responsible for actions taken completely in his wife's fevered imagination during her dreams.
The ruling sent shockwaves through the husband community, as husbands may now be liable for cheating, negligence, and even bizarre and brutal murders they commit in their wife's mind.
In this particular case, Judge Parsons ruled that defendant Henry Wallace would be criminally and civilly responsible for cheating on his wife in her dream. She claimed that Wallace went to a whorehouse in the Old West in her dream the previous night and should be prosecuted for this. After his visit, he reportedly hijacked an Apache attack helicopter and bombed the Statue of Liberty before riding a giant cat into space, where he intended to cheat on her with millions of space women, and then she woke up.
"I don't remember doing any of that!" he protested. "How on earth...
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