ATLANTA, GA—In a previous ad campaign, CNN asserted they were a news organization that would never succumb to pressure to confuse an apple and a banana, but now they seem to have changed course. In a straight news piece about produce sales, they threw in the aside, “It’s impossible to know exactly what is the best-selling fruit, as there are no consensus criteria to tell an apple from a banana.”
When CNN president and founder Bob CNN was questioned about the line, he defended it. “People believe in some sort of ‘this is an apple’ and ‘this is a banana’ binary,” Bob said, “but modern science-like thought says biology is more complex than that. How can you be certain you don’t have a short, round banana or a really long, yellow apple? You can’t. Now excuse me-- I have to assign more people to watch FOX News and yell at it.”
That day, Bob offered everyone a slice of his freshly baked “apple” pie, but it was reportedly “extremely disgusting.”
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
