U.S.—According to a new CDC study, 30% of Americans who have received the vaccine plan to spend the rest of their earthly lives hiding in their basements just in case the vaccine doesn't work.
"The most important thing is for all of us to stay safe," said Cander Roybie, who has received all three versions of the vaccine. "Dr. Fauci said there may be a chance the vaccine won't stop all forms of the virus, so I think the best thing I can do is stay here."
Roybie told reporters he has resigned himself to hiding in his damp, dark basement with his friend Marley, living off of food orders from DoorDash until they die.
"It's a good life, a really good life. This is a good thing," he said. "As long as there's any chance of death by virus still existing in the world, we're staying put!"
Unfortunately, he had to venture upstairs 5 minutes later to reset his Wi-Fi router. There is currently no word on his condition.
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."