U.S.—According to a new CDC study, 30% of Americans who have received the vaccine plan to spend the rest of their earthly lives hiding in their basements just in case the vaccine doesn't work.
"The most important thing is for all of us to stay safe," said Cander Roybie, who has received all three versions of the vaccine. "Dr. Fauci said there may be a chance the vaccine won't stop all forms of the virus, so I think the best thing I can do is stay here."
Roybie told reporters he has resigned himself to hiding in his damp, dark basement with his friend Marley, living off of food orders from DoorDash until they die.
"It's a good life, a really good life. This is a good thing," he said. "As long as there's any chance of death by virus still existing in the world, we're staying put!"
Unfortunately, he had to venture upstairs 5 minutes later to reset his Wi-Fi router. There is currently no word on his condition.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."