PHOENIX, AZ—Local man Greg Chandler is worried that the government might put a tracking device in the vaccine.
He expressed his concerns on social media, furiously typing on his smartphone, which he carries literally everywhere he goes. The device is always either in his pocket, in his car, or in his hands. He says he's lucky he had it on him today, so that he could warn his social media followers of the government's sinister plan to track his every move.
"The government is putting tiny tracking microchips in the vaccine, and they can spy on you no matter where you go! Don't fall for this!" he wrote on the Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram apps. "We must stand up and say enough is enough! Big brother is watching you!"
He then recorded a short video rant which he posted to TikTok and checked in at the restaurant he was meeting some friends at.
At publishing time, the NSA agent watching Chandler through his smartphone's front-facing camera had denied the man's claims that the vaccine has any sort of tracking device in it.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."