WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Joe Biden is determined to pass a large infrastructure bill, though no one had been certain what infrastructure is so direly needed that trillions must be spent until Biden finally revealed his plans: a giant tower that reaches the heavens.
“Yea, we are of one people,” Biden said, “with fifty votes in the Senate. And nothing will be restrained from us... as long as we get rid of the filibuster. And we have trillions for buying brick for stone -- or at least can have the Fed grant it to us. So let us build a tower whose top may reach unto heaven; and let us make a name for ourselves, lest we be scattered abroad at the mid-term elections.”
And so Biden proposed the Tower of Biden, a $2 trillion dollar structure to be taller than any other and prove the government’s superiority at providing jobs by having people build things no one needs. Republicans are opposed to the plan, though, as they call it “wasteful spending” and an “affront to God.”
And there has been some concern that God will take offense. At one point, it even seemed that God had confused people’s language, as many of the people planning the tower started babbling incoherently. It turns out, though, that they were just directly quoting President Biden.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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