NEW YORK, NY—Popular investigative news program 60 Minutes is getting a rebrand, launching anew as 6 Minutes to more accurately describe the program's deceptive editing practices.
"Our new, improved show will edit out 54 minutes of real footage to only show you 6 minutes of deceptively edited footage," said a show producer. "Who wants to watch a full hour of news anymore? We cut things down to show you what you need to know."
The show will start with a narrative or agenda producers want to push, take all the evidence they've found, and cut the bulk of it out in order to make sure the narrative is communicated.
Editors will be tasked with hacking interviews down, cutting guests off midsentence, and removing the bulk of what reporters found during the investigation phase. They have their work cut out for them, but showrunners say they have what it takes to edit out the truth in favor of whatever will get them views.
"To be frank, we've been doing this for a while," said the producer. "But now, we are just being more honest about it."
At publishing time, the show had rebranded as Six Seconds in a move to be even more deceptive.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
If you value The Babylon Bee and want to bypass the fact checkers who seek to have us deplatformed, please consider becoming a supporter so you can enjoy fake news you can trust.