U.S.—As America looks forward to leaving the pandemic behind and getting back to normal, Dr. Fauci went on a media tour to say "not so fast!" According to America's wisest sage, there are new, exciting, and dangerous variants of COVID-19 on their way, which may require another round of lockdowns.
"America's spirit isn't completely broken yet," said Fauci. "There are still a few pockets of hope and optimism out there. I estimate that at least 3 or 4 more variants of the virus may be required to fix that and completely break America's spirit once and for all."
Democrats are hoping that a few more lockdowns will do the trick of breaking down resistance to government spending, vaccine passports, and The Green New Deal.
"America spent two centuries cultivating a brave and independent spirit-- it's just gonna take a bit more time to finish breaking that down," said computer chip tinkerer and human being tinkerer Bill Gates.
"Just be patient," said Fauci. "This will all be over soon."
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."