MENLO PARK, CA—According to reports, personal data from over 500 million Facebook users has been stolen and posted to a hacking website. Facebook quickly issued an apology that the data ended up in hackers' hands for free before they had the chance to sell it.
"Darn, that's a lot of your data we just gave away for free," said Facebook spokesperson Andy Stone. "You people are worth more than that--we're so sorry. Please think about it from our perspective though-- we just lost a ton of potential revenue and political leverage in this hack. Try to have a little sympathy for us too, at least."
Cybersecurity experts say that over 33 million Americans on Facebook now have their personal data available for free on a website where it is easily accessible to identity thieves.
"Even though hackers got your data for nothing, we find all of you users to be valuable and special!" said Stone. "We'll be sure not to give away your data for free next time."
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."