ASHEVILLE, NC—A local 3rd-grade girl was rushed to Mission Hospital today after she showed up to school with a G.I. Joe-- an action figure typically played with by boys. She is currently undergoing emergency surgery to become a boy.
"When we saw little Abby with that scary male military action figure in her hand, it was clear that she was a little boy trapped in a little girl's body," said her teacher. "We are always looking for any signs of gender nonconforming behavior in our students so we can get them the essential gender treatment they need."
The school superintendent made it clear that once Abby returns to school as a boy, she will be allowed to play with the action figure again during recess.
When asked whether Abby's parents would be notified, the superintendent replied: "Goodness, no. Her parents don't need to hear about any of that. They're probably religious weirdos anyway. No, these decisions are best left to experts like us."
According to sources, Abby returned to school later that day as "Abe," (he/him).
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