WASHINGTON, D.C.—Americans have trusted the good and wise ratings of the Motion Picture Association of America to help them decide what to watch for decades. But the MPAA now says that reviewing films and trying to identify all the offensive content is too difficult and time-consuming, since it can take many days or weeks to slowly go through each movie and find the thousands of instances of sex, violence, and language.
So, to save time, the MPAA will now just warn viewers when a film doesn't have a gratuitous amount of nudity, sex, violence, drugs, and alcohol use. Every movie submitted to the MPAA will just automatically be assumed to have all of these things in ridiculous quantities, and a film will only get a warning label if it displays a concerning lack of provocative content.
"Honestly, this is going to save us so much time," said an MPAA film reviewer. "I mean, don't get me wrong, I love watching raunchy movies and writing down all the naughty parts, but you just get numb to it after a while. I had to watch Wolf of Wall Street 87 times to identify all the morally offensive content. It took me three weeks! Three weeks of my life! Do you know how many times I could have watched Breaking Bad in three weeks? What a waste!"
Movies without the required amount of sex, violence, and language will be slapped with the dreaded red band warning and an "FV" rating for "Family Values." Only lame people with actual family values will be admitted into the movie.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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