WASHINGTON, D.C.—During a press conference today in which President Biden announced new executive action on gun control, he made an emotional plea to Americans, making his case that the action was needed.
In particular, he claimed that gun shows are "free-for-alls" where anyone can just go in and pick up a nuclear missile.
"Anybody can just walk right into a gun show and pick up an intercontinental ballistic missile, no questions asked," Biden said. "Back in my day, we would play with nuclear missiles with the neighborhood kids. One time, we nuked this poor kid off the face of the planet. It was hilarious. You should have seen the look on his face."
"But it's a different time now, and nukes do not belong in the hands of civilians." Libertarians everywhere quickly slammed Biden for this comment, pointing out that owning nuclear weapons is constitutionally protected.
Fact-checkers said they would have checked Biden's statement, but they were all coincidentally having lunch during his press conference. They have promised to fact-check him next time.
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."