WASHINGTON, D.C.—By executive order today, Joe Biden has banned all high-capacity assault stairs. Any stair with over 30 steps is considered high-capacity and must be reduced to the California-style, 11-step version, with lower clearance and high-friction padding to reduce the chance of fall and injury.
"Stairs are a menace on our society, and no one should have the right to assault others with difficult-to-climb stairs," he said. "You know right now in America, stair manufacturers can't be sued. That's a fact. And anyone can buy a set of assault stairs with no background check in our country. That's malarkey."
Biden was referring to the off-cited "stair show loophole," which is a myth, as all stairs sold in the country are, in fact, subject to rigorous background checks.
At publishing time, Biden had also called for a ban on military-style assault dogs, who are known to trip up innocent bystanders and the occasional president.
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."