LAREDO, TX—The Biden administration has announced that in lieu of continuing to build the racist border wall, we will instead “plug the gaps” in the wall with America’s most abundant resource, huge piles of cash.
“Being president is so easy,” said a beaming Joe Biden. “People keep coming to me with these soup cans, I mean problems, and as it turns out – a couple trillion dollars can solve pretty much anything. Pandemic? Two trillion. Internet slow to buffer Matlock? Two trillion. I can do this all day, Jack!”
After the announcement, experts expected the flood of migrants to grow to about 20 million per day. “This is a normal seasonal surge,” explained Jen Psaki. “It definitely, definitely has nothing to do with the big stacks of cash. The weather has been super nice, which explains the extra millions of people. But I do think it also really speaks to what a great guy Joe Biden is. Everyone holding an armful of money has had really great things to say about Uncle Joe.”
The administration touted the border cash as a well-targeted approach to addressing poverty, but also noted that it has been unexpectedly effective for gun control. "We are really proud to report that since dumping epic loads of cash on the border, the gun stores are completely empty. There are simply no firearms left to purchase, even the cartels seem to have their fill of weaponry. We’re really proud of what we’ve accomplished," reported DHS chief Alejandro Mayorkas.
Children stood along the side of the road in Texas to watch truckload after truckload of cash go by on its way to the border. “Where does all the cash come from, Daddy?” asked seven-year-old Annie Sue. Her father took off his cowboy hat and solemnly replied, “From you, sweetie. It comes from you.”
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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