LAREDO, TX—The Biden administration has announced that in lieu of continuing to build the racist border wall, we will instead “plug the gaps” in the wall with America’s most abundant resource, huge piles of cash.
“Being president is so easy,” said a beaming Joe Biden. “People keep coming to me with these soup cans, I mean problems, and as it turns out – a couple trillion dollars can solve pretty much anything. Pandemic? Two trillion. Internet slow to buffer Matlock? Two trillion. I can do this all day, Jack!”
After the announcement, experts expected the flood of migrants to grow to about 20 million per day. “This is a normal seasonal surge,” explained Jen Psaki. “It definitely, definitely has nothing to do with the big stacks of cash. The weather has been super nice, which explains the extra millions of people. But I do think it also really speaks to what a great guy Joe Biden is. Everyone holding an armful of money has had really great things to say about Uncle Joe.”
The administration touted the border cash as a well-targeted approach to addressing poverty, but also noted that it has been unexpectedly effective for gun control. "We are really proud to report that since dumping epic loads of cash on the border, the gun stores are completely empty. There are simply no firearms left to purchase, even the cartels seem to have their fill of weaponry. We’re really proud of what we’ve accomplished," reported DHS chief Alejandro Mayorkas.
Children stood along the side of the road in Texas to watch truckload after truckload of cash go by on its way to the border. “Where does all the cash come from, Daddy?” asked seven-year-old Annie Sue. Her father took off his cowboy hat and solemnly replied, “From you, sweetie. It comes from you.”
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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GALLIFREY—Reports indicate that just as the fallen Doctor was regenerating into a strong, powerful, diverse female, the 14th Doctor has instead taken the form of Doctor Jordan Peterson. What was certain to be the most stunning and brave—and not to mention the lowest-rated—season yet, has now been subverted entirely by the emergence of Doctor Peterson as the newest Time Lord.
“It’s like no—if you betray yourself, if you say untrue things, you weaken your character,” said Dr. Peterson when asked why he returned as a man. “For God sakes, you just can’t bloody well live with that kind of paradox in life, lying to yourself.”
Sources say the new Doctor wasted no time in setting his space and time traveling T.A.R.D.I.S in order, and visiting some of the worst parts and greatest villains from history. He first visited the Cybermen telling them if they actually wanted to call themselves men, then they could start by cleaning their own room.
“It isn’t obvious to me how ...
UKRAINE—As Russian troops assemble at Ukraine's border ahead of a possible land invasion, President Biden has taken swift action by deploying an elite seal team to evacuate his son Hunter's money.
"At my direction, military operatives infiltrated a bank to evacuate my son's stash of sweet, sweet Burisma cash before Russia murdered everyone. I didn't want to risk that money falling into the wrong hands," said Biden in a statement to congress. "Unfortunately, we haven't been able to evacuate Americans from the country because I put all our resources on this operation. But make no mistake, we will leave no dollar behind."
The four-man squad was dropped into ally territory by a Black Hawk helicopter outfitted for stealth missions. Once on the ground, they covertly asked for directions to the nearest bank and shared an Uber to make the 4-mile journey.
Bank security footage depicts the squad calmly entering the bank and asking for the manager. The squad then assembled in a tiny cubicle to ...
TRENTON, NJ—In a landmark ruling handed down in a lower-level family court Monday, Judge Marcus Parsons ruled that a husband can in fact be held responsible for actions taken completely in his wife's fevered imagination during her dreams.
The ruling sent shockwaves through the husband community, as husbands may now be liable for cheating, negligence, and even bizarre and brutal murders they commit in their wife's mind.
In this particular case, Judge Parsons ruled that defendant Henry Wallace would be criminally and civilly responsible for cheating on his wife in her dream. She claimed that Wallace went to a whorehouse in the Old West in her dream the previous night and should be prosecuted for this. After his visit, he reportedly hijacked an Apache attack helicopter and bombed the Statue of Liberty before riding a giant cat into space, where he intended to cheat on her with millions of space women, and then she woke up.
"I don't remember doing any of that!" he protested. "How on earth...
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