LAREDO, TX—The Biden administration has announced that in lieu of continuing to build the racist border wall, we will instead “plug the gaps” in the wall with America’s most abundant resource, huge piles of cash.
“Being president is so easy,” said a beaming Joe Biden. “People keep coming to me with these soup cans, I mean problems, and as it turns out – a couple trillion dollars can solve pretty much anything. Pandemic? Two trillion. Internet slow to buffer Matlock? Two trillion. I can do this all day, Jack!”
After the announcement, experts expected the flood of migrants to grow to about 20 million per day. “This is a normal seasonal surge,” explained Jen Psaki. “It definitely, definitely has nothing to do with the big stacks of cash. The weather has been super nice, which explains the extra millions of people. But I do think it also really speaks to what a great guy Joe Biden is. Everyone holding an armful of money has had really great things to say about Uncle Joe.”
The administration touted the border cash as a well-targeted approach to addressing poverty, but also noted that it has been unexpectedly effective for gun control. "We are really proud to report that since dumping epic loads of cash on the border, the gun stores are completely empty. There are simply no firearms left to purchase, even the cartels seem to have their fill of weaponry. We’re really proud of what we’ve accomplished," reported DHS chief Alejandro Mayorkas.
Children stood along the side of the road in Texas to watch truckload after truckload of cash go by on its way to the border. “Where does all the cash come from, Daddy?” asked seven-year-old Annie Sue. Her father took off his cowboy hat and solemnly replied, “From you, sweetie. It comes from you.”
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
Congress Warns Trump's Attempts To End War In Ukraine Could Result In End Of War In Ukraine
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."
