The $2 trillion infrastructure proposal is a big one. It will probably be in the top ten most expensive spending bills to go through this year. So, we did our due diligence and read through all 17,000 pages of the proposal so we can inform you of what your government is spending your grandchildren's hard-earned money on.
Here's everything in the proposal:
$500 million for guillotines for Trump supporters
$50 million to build a computer that can run Crysis
$800 billion to develop a new gender
$70 billion to build an ice wall to the north to protect us from Canada
$15 million for the development of a pause button for online games
$12 million to fight odor at Comic-Con
$80 billion to dig a ditch in space and another 80 to fill it in
$27 for snap bracelets for congresspeople
$10 million for every American to receive a copy of Antiracist Baby
$140 million for those cool plastic army men with parachutes you get at Chuck E. Cheese
$79 million to ensure that Doritos are a human right.
$20 million for PSA ads reminding women they can just put on a sweater instead of touching the thermostat
$70 million to make the McRib permanent
$32 million to bring back Crystal Pepsi
$123 trillion to build a new Middle East on the moon so we can bomb it
Does that add up exactly to $1.9 trillion? We're not sure and we're not really good at math. If it's off by a few hundred trillion, eh, who cares? Money has no meaning anymore anyway.
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."