WORLD—The world will return to a new normal now as every major manufacturer of COVID vaccine has begun offering a continuous intravenous drip that you will have to carry around for the rest of your life.
The ingenious new vaccine delivery system from Pfizer, Moderna, and AstraZeneca will slowly and continuously drip the vaccine into a person’s bloodstream presumably granting immunity to the coronavirus, so long as it is never removed from your body. When your IV bag runs out of vaccine fluid, you can simply go back to your local pharmacy for a refill at a nominal fee.
“Immunity? Yeah, of course, that’s the idea,” said Pfizer’s Chief Business Officer. “Americans desperately hope that if they are stuck by enough needles that they can go back to work, fully open their businesses, and have their kids in school again, and this continuous drip is an option for that.”
The IV drip version of the vaccine comes in the wake of many prominent politicians signaling that life still couldn’t return to normal despite the millions of normal vaccine jabs many Americans had already received. However, if they hook themselves up to this continuous drip system, they might have a shot at that someday.
“Now this is a game-changer, and I think it will do a lot of good, though experts don’t foresee life getting back to normal until at least late 2022,” said Dr. Fauci when asked about the new state-of-the-art vaccine delivery system.
At publishing time, Dr. Fauci confirmed that though this IV delivery system is a great measure in the fight against COVID-19, Americans must continue to socially distance and wear masks at all times in public.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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