WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to reports, the latest draft of President Biden's $2.3 trillion infrastructure plan includes $300 million to bail out essential looters.
'Looters who loot for social justice are a proud part of the American tradition," said Vice President Kamala Harris. "Looters are essential. Looters are valuable. Looters are infrastructure. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Sources on Capitol Hill say the bill will set the money aside to post bail for imprisoned looters who burn businesses, loot expensive liquor, and terrorize innocent civilians, as long as they are doing it for social justice, and not doing any of those things in the Capitol Building.
"Say it with me: LOOTERS. ARE. INFRASTRUCTURE," said Harris.
Those drafting the bill say that any money not used to bail out rioters will be allocated to help BLM's founder Patrisse Cullors buy another mansion.
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."