Guns are on their way out. And thank goodness! We can't wait to return to the utopian paradise we lost when guns were invented by Bob Gun back in 1804.
Still, once in a great while, you might need to defend yourself against a ne'er-do-well. When those ruffians come kicking your door down, you need to be ready. Here are seven great ways to defend your home against an armed burglar when your guns have all been confiscated:
1. Call your local social worker - Get on the phone and call up a state therapist to help you two work out your differences. They'll be there in 30 minutes or less!
2. Have your kids leave all their Legos out - A surefire defense strategy, though sometimes it backfires and you accidentally step on them yourself and PICK UP YOUR GOSH DARN TOYS, CALVIN!
3. Make sure to hang a gun-free zone sign in your window - It's a little-known fact that burglars must stop and not shoot you if you inform them your home is a gun-free zone.
4. Turn the thermostat up to 80 so it will be uncomfortably hot for burglars - After a few hours looting your stuff they will need to take a break and go outside to cool down and you can lock them out.
5. Bust out the Nerf guns - One of those crazy cool ones with the drum magazines your rich friends had growing up will surely intimidate the intruder.
6. Rig up a complex Rube Goldberg booby trap that incapacitates the criminals in hilarious ways - Hear us out on this one: they step on a panel that activates a wire that pulls down a bucket of water that goes down a funnel and pushes a bowling ball which swings down and hits them on the head causing permanent brain damage. Funny AND effective!
7. Ask them to hug it out - When all else fails just be the bigger man and ask the criminal to hug it out with you. Bring it in, man.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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PHILADELPHIA—Researchers with Independence National Historic Park have located an ancient document they say renders all national mandates and restrictions void. The document, dating to 1776, is being referred to as ‘The Declaration of Independence’ by park historians who allege it details the existence of unalienable rights and that governments derive their power from the consent of the governed. Sources indicate the document was found in the park archives, allegedly buried under a stack of Benjamin Franklin’s raunchy poems.
“We don’t usually go near those,” said historian Clay Garrett regarding Franklin’s forbidden writings. “I was definitely not reading them when I found the crumpled-up parchment that later turned out to be our nation’s Declaration of Independence."
Garrett continued, “The fascinating thing about this document is that it says King George III was a tyrant who did a bunch of things President Biden is doing right now. So I’m not really sure what to ...
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—In response to record levels of unprosecuted shoplifting, Walgreens stores in San Francisco have introduced a new "Frequent Looter Rewards Card."
"If you can't beat 'em, I guess all you can do is join 'em," said Sandra Lopez, regional manager in charge of 8 locations in the Bay Area. "We don't even have regular shoppers anymore—just looters."
The new punch cards will help looters keep track of their visits and allow store owners to better track their shrink levels so they can more easily make insurance claims.
"Yes, I realize this makes no sense. Some might even call it insane," said Lopez, "but nothing makes sense here in San Francisco. I'm not even sure what I'm doing here anymore. The only reason I even still live here is that there are no more U-Hauls available."
San Francisco's DA has confirmed that looters who visit a Walgreens 10 times will be awarded a free pack of cigarettes and a mail-in voter registration.
U.S.—Americans are reacting to newly unearthed statements Biden made during his presidential campaign, in which he claimed that Corn Pop's death was more impactful for the cause of justice than MLK's.
"Listen folks, no joke. I ain't kiddin' around here. For real. I know what I'm talking about. Listen carefully. I'll say this once. No joke," Biden began. "As I stood over the body of the infamous gangster Corn Pop after wrapping a chain around his head, I knew his death would have a much greater far-reaching impact than even the death of MLK. Corn Pop was a bad dude, but his death launched my path to the presidency. If I hadn't become president, the blacks would be back in chains. And a bunch of other blacks would be white due to voting for Trump. He died for a good cause!"
Civil rights leaders have tried to distance themselves from Biden in light of his remarks, at least until his remarks are no longer a part of the news cycle, at which point they will no longer distance themselves....
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