U.S.—The U.S. has been criticized for withdrawing troops from Afghanistan when the country is so close to victory, being just another 50 years away from declaring victory in the region.
Commentators, pundits, Democrats, and Republicans alike criticized the proposal to pull troops out in a few months, when if we just stay there for another few decades, victory is all but assured.
"Why are we leaving when victory is on the horizon, just a few decades away?" asked John Bolton. "We're so close. You can't give up right when you're on the finish line, with a utopia in the Middle East being within our reach if we just stay there for another half-century."
"It just doesn't make any sense to leave now."
At publishing time, the nation's warmongers were relieved as they realized there's basically zero chance we're actually leaving Afghanistan this fall.
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."