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Every Male Viewer Of The Bachelor Comes Out As Gay

U.S.—In a revelation that shocked dozens, every single, male, unmarried viewer of the bachelor came out as gay yesterday. The event marks the first mass coming out event since people who like The Last Jedi simultaneously came out of the closet last summer.

"I can't hide who I am any longer," said Ted Marin, 32, of Iowa. "I watch The Bachelor and enjoy every minute, and frankly, it's pretty obvious what that means. I can't believe I didn't see it sooner." He said other signs included being tidy, enjoying reading books, and not watching MMA.

But when he looked at his bookshelf one day and saw dozens of seasons of the popular dating show on Blu-Ray nestled next to his Twilight books, he realized he had to come to terms with his identity.

"It all came crashing down. I have a lot of thinking to do."

The viewership who came out as gay excludes married guys who watch it reluctantly with their wives, though those who continue to watch it pretending not to be interested but secretly enjoy it have been marked as sus.

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UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion

"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."

https://babylonbee.com/news/ufo-files-reveal-aliens-here-and-already-defrauded-minnesota-for-20-billion

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Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws

"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."

https://babylonbee.com/news/democrat-effort-to-retake-congress-once-again-thwarted-by-existence-of-laws

May 08, 2026

Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote

"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."

https://babylonbee.com/news/virginia-considering-new-measure-that-just-makes-it-illegal-for-republicans-to-vote

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